The issue of Sticks and the Internet Game hasn’t gone away. It hasn’t escalated either. It just sits there like a big thorn ready to prick whoever walks too close to it.
In an effort to understand the allure better, I had an in-depth look at his Internet activities (which isn’t a bad idea for any parent of a teen to do on a regular basis). Of course, he’s savvy enough to delete histories on a daily basis, but always forgets about cookies and saved passwords, so it’s not a big deal to retrace his activity online over the past week or so.
Here’s what I discovered: He’s not doing ANYTHING WRONG. Nada. I discovered something else, too. The allure of this game is less about the game and more about the interactivity with friends online via message boards and IM. One of the friends he’s made lives in New Zealand; another in Japan. And…he has a completely different presence and voice online than he does in reality.
In reality, he’s a bit shy and withdrawn until he’s comfortable. Online, he’s already comfortable. In life, he struggles with being on the fringe of social exclusion because he has no patience for much of the banality that high schoolers like to engage in (despite having a really cute and devoted girlfriend..). Online, he’s well-liked and well-known.
The problem as I see it is his inability to balance (and possibly even integrate) his online persona with real life. This is where the conflict lies. Who wouldn’t like being online where they’re appreciated for being a thinker, witty and fun, as opposed to swimming upstream in the high school culture of cliques and competition? But his ADHD personality demands that he put his FULL attention to this game and interaction or else he’ll lose momentum and interest in it.
As his parents, we would like to see some of that energy and attention go toward the real-life basic things that need to be dealt with, like the AP Chem packet that has to be complete by 8/31, the laundry piling up in his room and some basic interacting with his family. We’d also like to see him occasionally instead of functioning as roadies and taxi drivers only.
As I’m in the shower this morning, it dawned on me that he was responding to the same positive reinforcements that all of us in online communities do. Shedding the trappings of appearance and even gender in some cases, we’re allowed permission to develop personas online that highlight our best qualities (in many cases, anyway).
The other thing that dawned on me was that ragging on him for this makes me the highest form of hypocrite, seeing as how I’ve been involved in online communities as a participant, volunteer, and paid employee for well over 10 years. How can someone who not only participates, but participates in BUILDING online communities turn around and bar her kid from enjoying the benefits of the communities that HE enjoys, assuming they are appropriate (and this one is)? Here I am musing in the shower over community indicators and how blogs fit in the overall community picture and at the same time, am plotting on how to keep my kid from participating in community. Yes, the term “hypocrite” applies with a capital “H”.
I can’t justify the contradiction, but as a parent I know it’s the right thing to do. If he cannot balance his life, it’s up to me to help do it for him, for as long as I have influence and control over the router ports. I’ve explained this to him, unrepentantly confessing to my own hypocrisy at the same time. The thing is, I WANT him to value that online experience and communities. If I didn’t believe in them, I wouldn’t participate and I certainly wouldn’t let him participate. But I do, fervently.
What he isn’t getting yet is that he is just as funny in person (funnier!), just as smart, just as talented, and there are real people in addition to the ‘pixel people’ who want time with him because he is talented, smart and funny. Hopefully he’ll start to get it, because I am understanding that much of my discomfort over his time in these communities has been his withdrawal from the flesh & blood folks (not just parents, but girlfriend, friends, activities, etc) and compulsion to spend the day in front of the computer.
In my perfect world, his ‘community persona’ will mesh with his ‘real life persona’ to become the really good, smart, funny, talented person that he wants to be. In the meantime, Mom is going to continue to be a thorn in his side for as long as he leaves one in mine.
One positive in all of this — we’re taking The Pug and the kids and heading down to the beach for the weekend, sans computers. I have to take my laptop to offload photos and check in on the job in my online community (LOL), but otherwise, we’re free to boogie board and play for 4 days!
