Poor Sticks. Yesterday while he was at the dreaded band camp (an entry unto itself…) we received a call from the leader of the Seniors Band he’s been playing for. Because he’s about to go back to school, they’ve been hunting for a drummer that can be with them year-round, and they found one. So the call was to say thanks to him for playing, but they’ve found an adult who can step into the fray now. He was disappointed and I can’t say as I blame him. Such is life, though.
BUT….the same day brought some good news. He auditioned for the “A” Jazz Band at Moorpark College and made the cut. The only problem is that he has to get consent from Attila, his HS band director.
This is a problem. Attila has never liked him because he’s a scrawny little hyper music geek with a lot of talent and a little bit of attitude and his parents are an asset to the volunteer squad but a big pain in the ass. Just a short description of Attila…she used to play football in high school (defense) on the varsity boys’ team. At half-time she’d throw off her uniform and throw on the band uniform, march the field show and head back to the field for the second half. It was only when she was granted a music scholarship and not a football scholarship that she left the football team, but she kept the bulldog attitude.
That’s not all bad. She’s great about getting the best from the kids, but she plays favorites like no teacher I’ve ever seen. She likes to adopt stray kitties. That’s a good thing. But in the context of her music programs, certain students become her “kitties” and become the favs (and leaders) whether or not they have the qualifications. That’s bad. For those unfortunate enough to be left off the list, there is a problem with things like getting her consent to play in a JC Jazz Band outside of school time, even when he’s already agreeing to drag his bad self to school at 6:45 AM every morning to play in the HS Jazz Band.
We did not start off on the right foot with her in the beginning. It had to do with her “kitties” taunting Sticks with jabs about taking his meds (hey — they DO wear off after 10 hours of marching practice in one day) and generally being a hyper kid. No question — he IS a hyper kid. But he’s not helpless or without internal resources, and that’s why he’ll never be a kitty.
Aside: That really bothers him, by the way….he doesn’t really understand why he’s rejected when he’s good at what he does for the program — the drumline won first place by a margin of 10 points over other bands in California with special distinction given to the snare drummers who are A and another kid who has the same drum teacher and lots of talent of his own.
We did not sit back in silence and allow the taunts. Was that a good thing? I don’t know, but we did it and it’s history. We asked her to rein in her “leaders” and let them know that we viewed remarks about medications and the like as harassment. But for the grace of God go they, after all. We also let her know that we were going to hold her accountable for their actions if she didn’t take care of the problem.
To our knowledge, she did take care of it because there were no further complaints. On the other hand, he became persona non grata and remains so to this day.
Will she sign the consent? If HE asks, probably not. It will probably be one of those parental intervention moments which will even dig him in deeper, but he’s willing to put up with that for the opportunity to play with this band.
All of this points to the daily ongoing dilemma we have, especially when it comes to him. How much intervention is too much, how much involvement is too much, and what defines our priorities as to what we leave him to deal with and what we step in and help with? It is especially challenging because he has always been our “high-maintenance” child and we are in the habit of intervening.
From the time he started school, we’ve spent countless volunteer hours in the classroom to shamelessly ingratiate ourselves with the teachers and also to observe his behavior. In first grade, he was classified as “at risk” simply because of the ADHD and we wouldn’t allow that to stand. We wouldn’t send him to the special “at risk” counseling sessions. They weren’t helpful for ADHD — they were supposed to teach him how not to get in fights and gangs but he didn’t get in fights and gangs anyway so what was the point of teaching him not to do something he didn’t do? We just tried to just keep him mainstream and on track.
Now he’s 2 years away from being a legal adult. We know that intervention is less of an option and that he needs to be able to stand up for himself in situations. On the other hand, he’s not going to get to first base on this one. She’ll just blow him off like she has in the past, and this particular band is a terrific entry on the college applications, especially the ones applying for music scholarships, which he desperately needs if he really wants to end up at Berklee College of Music or even Univ. of North Texas, his two first choices.
It looks like one of us will have to make the appeal, which also means that I have to deal with my own intimidation factor. I’m old enough to be this chick’s mother and she still scares me. She’s so dang vindictive and it’ll be my kid who suffers if it isn’t handled right….hopefully I can hand this one off to T and step back because I’d just as soon rip her head off if she gives me any trouble with this.
Boy, has this turned into a ramble or what? It’s probably because I’m writing this instead of working on the band website, which I was supposed to have updated and redesigned by yesterday. I missed the deadline on that…it’s now extended until I get that consent form signed. 
