The burly policeman standing at my door asks me to step outside, leaving The Frantically Barking Pug behind the door…

I comply and proceed to explain the whole stupid situation, my warts and all. Ultimately he decides that the $150 bail bond isn’t worth the arrest, writes me an extension to my appearance date to 12/29 (yesterday) and tells me to have a good night.

After he left, I couldn’t decide if I was more relieved at the reprieve or pissed about the whole stupid situation, but the one thing I did know is that I needed to wrestle this beast to the ground and lay it to rest.

I got on the Internet and started to do the research to figure out what I needed to get my name changed, and also to try and figure out why it didn’t “take” the first time. SSA’s website said I needed to fill out a form SS-5 and produce 2 forms of ID. The first needed to be my marriage certificate. The second needed to be a photo ID with my OLD name on it (e.g., the one they had on file).

Ummmm, that was a problem. I haven’t used my maiden name on any official documents that would include a photo ID since I graduated from high school. I was married for the first time in 1978, divorced in 1988, remarried in 1989. The court restored my maiden name when I was divorced, but I never had it put on any documents, drivers’ license or otherwise because I remarried so soon after the divorce was final. About the only thing I had was a high school yearbook. I was starting to suspect that this might be the reason my name hadn’t been changed in 1989. I had the divorce decree, but it wasn’t acceptable because there was no photo.

Figuring I’d better make an in-person appearance, I made the first of four separate trips to the Social Security office. Now this is an adventure in itself. Here are a couple of tips for anyone who needs to go there: Go right when they open or right when they close. Do not, under any circumstances, go in the middle of the day. You will wait 2-3 hours longer that way. It took me two visits to figure this out. Whatever you do, take some reading material or your iPod so that you are not completely out of your mind with boredom waiting.

To further aggravate things, the cop that gave me the ticket kept my drivers’ license, so the only photo ID I had for my CURRENT name was a 5-year old expired license. She shouldn’t have kept that license, but she did and it really made things tough for me.

Ultimately, it was dumb luck with a touch of mercy that got things resolved with the SSA. They accepted my marriage certificate and the temporary license that the DMV had issued. They weren’t supposed to, but what the heck else were they going to do? There was no way I could possibly produce what they needed and I couldn’t even go back to DMV and change my name back to my maiden name there because I had no documents supporting such a change. It was a Catch-22 that in my eyes was insurmountable, and the SSA clerk who was anxious to leave at 5:30 on 12/21 (the fourth visit) must have seen my extreme frustration and decided to give me a break.

The fun with California was just beginning, however. DMV will NOT accept a certified document from SSA nor will they accept a Social Security card as evidence that the names match. It MUST be a computer-to-computer match, theirs to ours, with no outside intervention.

Since December 21st, I have made five trips to our DMV office. This is because there is no way to simply ‘call it in’ — It is a requirement to appear in the office, ask them to check the computer, and if the names match up, they can clear the new license for release. Since I had a 12/29 deadline, it was imperative that they clear this so that I’d have the documents in my hand to clear things. As of 12/28, that hadn’t happened.

Yesterday morning, I went to court with no evidence that I had a valid drivers’ license. When I got there, I was offered the opportunity to speak with the public defender. Geeeeeeeeez. The bubble of frustration and anger that I had about this whole mess was really beginning to well up — was I seriously going to be jailed for California’s failure to communicate with the SSA? Did I need a defense against bureaucratic idiocy?

After watching a 10-minute video on what my rights were, what the penalties for DUI were, and what I could expect if charged with a felony, I was an interesting bag of fear, loathing and anger. I’m sure I must’ve conveyed this to anyone within about 20 feet of me. Right after the video, my cell phone rang.

It was the nice lady at the DMV who had offered to try the computers again first thing this morning to see if they finally jived. She was glad to inform me that they did, and I could come any time and pick it up.

I wished she could’ve been there to tell the DA that. He didn’t want anything but a valid license in front of him. Had I produced that, he would’ve agreed to reduce the charge to an infraction, and I could pay the $150 fine and call it a day. Because I didn’t, I will be required to appear on January 12th to pony up the fine and clear things for good.

Now….my ADHD-ness aside for a moment, as I see it, there are some serious flaws in this system. Yes, I should’ve been more diligent about following up on my mail-in renewal when I didn’t receive anything. Yes, I shouldn’t have missed that first court date. Perhaps that is in itself enough to justify paying some kind of a fine.

Taking those errors away for a minute, doesn’t it seem a bit unfair that someone who for over 16 years has had no problem with their license, is offered a mail-in renewal because of that, and has a clear driving record should be fined for bureaucratic screwups outside of their control, Catch-22 requirements that cannot be complied with, and made to navigate a complete maze of nonsensical requirements in the name of “homeland security”?

The fact is, this set of requirements discriminates against women and minorities. Men are not going to have this problem, period, because they don’t change their names when they marry. Women do. Not all women, but most do. Minorities, particularly Hispanics, often have more than one surname.

One final observation came out of this for me. I had to go to court with the Eldest twice when he was caught with less than an ounce of pot. There was far less hoo-ha associated with that, despite my view that there should have been much more. I was even told by the cop that “ticketed” him that it wasn’t any big deal, I shouldn’t worry or overreact to it.

What the hell? I’m almost hauled off to jail for computers’ inability to communicate with me or each other, made to blow off the better part of five separate days in DMV/SSA hell, will be made to pay a fine for their errors, and yet a minor possessing less than an ounce is “no big deal”?

Here’s my bottom line on this: 1) Legal priorities are seriously screwed up; 2) The PEOPLE who work in agencies like DMV and SSA are for the most part, caring and anxious to assist (and some even go above and beyond…); 3) Our governmental agencies, federal and state, are in serious need of major geek intervention to bring them into this century; 4) Whatever you do, always, always do your best to fly low under the radar, because if you’re in their sights for whatever reason, you may find yourself in a situation you cannot control and “they” will view you as lower than the lowest, despite the positive contributions you may ordinarily make to this place we call “society”.

It isn’t quite the end of the story, either. Dancergirl’s passport application is currently being held up, because I cannot produce a current photo ID with which to certify that I give permission for her to travel out of the country. If my license does not arrive by Tuesday, we will need to come up with an additional $80 processing fee to expedite it so that she can travel the first week of February to Ireland with T and his dad for the All-Irelands.

Homeland Security, my ass.