Liz:

Yes, you’re absolutely right about girls too. What I see, though, is girls developing coping skills and ways around that need for movement and exercise, while the boys tend to act it out more. I think this is partly gender-based and tends to be less true as they get older. I’m a talker — I have to speak things to understand them. As a result, I was constantly written up in school for being unable to control my talking. Especially elementary school. My way of coping with it was to learn to speak by writing. That was something acceptable that still accomplished the goal. I didn’t realize it at the time, but it was my way of avoiding the criticism for not “avoiding needless talking”.

And thank you for the nomination and kind words — that’s really an honor.

Sue:

You are most definitely not alone. Definitely. I don’t know what to tell you about the meds except that it is really important that before they’re prescribed both parents be fully educated and in accord, and the diagnosis be made by a psychiatrist or psychologist who has training and experience treating kids with ADHD. Honestly, the meds gave Sticks the ability to make the effort. The achievement has nothing to do with the meds beyond actually allowing him to focus enough to learn. His ADHD diagnosis rose out of our concerns for him, not teacher referrals. Teachers can be good resources but can’t be the only resource. By the same token, I’d like to think that as parents, we’ll consider all of the alternatives for our kids, including medications. We certainly wouldn’t refuse insulin for diabetics or antibiotics for meningitis, so why do we rule out meds for ADHD out of hand without giving at least due consideration to them?

Read Liz’ blog for some help with options for your boys. She’s got tons of links and resources that might help you think through alternatives for your children. (Ahhhh, I feel another post coming on about all this….)

Jane,

Wow, you’ve got the proof right there. I wonder if your experiences with teachers being less professional has something to do with the low regard they get when it comes to pay and working conditions? Seriously, I think if we (society/taxpayers) treated them with more respect there would be more coming back. I can’t tell you how much it bugs me to see teachers have to spend time groveling around for extra copy paper and classroom supplies. Shouldn’t that be a slam-dunk? Grrrrr.

Cary:

What Liz said — don’t let resentment toward your mom color your attitude toward us all. Many women love boys and men — I’m one. I had much more difficulty adjusting to the idea of parenting a daughter than just about anything, because girls leave me flummoxed half the time. (and I don’t hate them either; just have more trouble understanding them…)

mr angel

ADHD is real. It’s not always accurately diagnosed and can definitely be a catch-all, but I assure you that parents, teachers and doctors are not engaged in a grand conspiracy to drug the next generation. It’s a very real disorder that disrupts many lives.

Ann Evans

Excellent points — structure is a big part of helping boys to develop those critical life skills. Is single-sex education the answer? I don’t know…still mulling that one over. What do you think?

“Most women/girls misinterpret feminism as resentment of all things male.”

No feminist I know has that bias.

I am sorry that you had such a lousy upbringing, but do not make the mistake of repeating your mother’s errors in the other direction. Bias is bias is bias.

DrumsNWhistles said,

“Boys need lots of physical activity – Boys need to MOVE. And not just in a structured PE class. They need the time to run around, play hard, run some more, and play, particularly at the younger ages. Most boys will not sit still and many boys need to learn by physically manipulating objects, getting ‘under the hood’ so to speak.”

You know what? Girls need that too. Maybe more girls that boys will be able to “get by” in the classroom without unstructured outdoor play, but they aren’t at the optimum to learn, I tell you that. Girls too learn by physical manipulation. My daughter’s middle school was project-based and the girls learned more and faster with manipulation than mere recitation.

The “boy gap” has been around for a while. Here are some links to my blog that will take you to some thinkers on good education:

Boys and School (December 2005)

post that has links to Rick Montgomery’s series, Raising Boys Better

national organization for single-sex education

The current school model doesn’t teach the majority well.

1. Society will not deal with the divorce epidemic.

2. Most women/girls misinterpret feminism as resentment of all things male.

3. Custody of boys in a divorce is awarded to moms.

My parents divorced when I was five. I was raised by my mother and older sister, two man-haters (I am male). My mother had a master’s degree in social work. She spent years as a family counselor, but she was an atrocious mother and ours was a ridiculously dysfunctional family.

Do not look to those with advanced degrees to solve this. They think an advanced degree is a license to digress and ignore. Do not look to women imbued with the anti-male trend of the last thirty years (such as the author of the Newsweek article).

The teacher who erroneously awarded your son an ‘F’ was a closet man-hater. You cannot afford to entrust your male children to such bigots. I was raised by two such, both of whom were blood-related, and we have not spoken in more than a decade. Their hatred of men means more to them than anything else.

I’m sorry to hear you’re having these struggles…my heart is right there with you. And like you, there is no way I could homeschool — I used to really wish I could have in the earlier years.

I hope your son isn’t so completely sour on learning that he gives up on himself. If it’s any consolation, The Eldest repeatedly says that if HS had been more like college he’d have been a straight-A student. Will your eldest consider community college as an option to continue his education?

Dang, it makes me angry to hear about kids slipping through the cracks this way! My hope is that there’s a different path for your younger one that allows him to be a boy, be active, be bright, and come out of school loving to learn.

Let’s keep trying to figure it out!

DnW

I have twin boys who are 8 yo, and one of them is exactly the same as the oldest. My dream would be to be able to stay at home and teach them myself, but that it impossible. I will continue searching for resources to help him through this new academic hell.