Jenn Satterwhite blogged today about her poignant and painful struggle with “mommy guilt” after discovering just now that her sons are struggling in school and have been for quite awhile.
There is nothing worse than being yanked up on your feet at the very end of a school year and discovering that the problems were right under your nose but for any number of reasons, missed.
She writes:
I chalked it up to “just who he is” and did not do much other than work with his teacher and watch all of us become more frustrated. Finally, at the suggestion of a friend who recognized the symptoms, agreed to get him tested for ADD/ADHD. After very intensive testing, the doctors agreed that he did indeed fall into the “Inattentive ADHD” category. We then went on to learn of all the things that I have seen as him not caring or areas where I felt he was dropping the ball were actually things he could not help.Things that were out of his control. Nevertheless, they were things that I have pushed him to do. Getting frustrated and telling him to FOCUS when he was focusing with all his power. Insisting that he could do things faster when in fact he could not. He has been struggling so much this year with emotional problems and now we find out that his brain is just wired differently. And with just a few weeks left, we just find out. I question myself again. I failed my son. Again.
So Jenn, I want to give you some encouragement and a prescription for a guilt cure.
First of all, you get very large pats on the back for not ignoring your friend when she suggested ADHD might be at the root of your son’s struggles. All too often parents will continue to insist that their child should just FOCUS and he’d be fine, not acknowledging that they may, in fact, be unable to focus.
Second, you did something about it. You can’t change the past but you can take steps toward a different future. You took wise steps: Having him extensively tested, involving the school and a qualified therapist. I am assuming that your course of action means you also spent some time LEARNING about it. Another victory over guilt.
All of us who have had kids struggle in school for whatever reason tend to immediately blame ourselves for allowing it to go on so long, whether it’s in the autumn of a new school year or five weeks before the end of the current school year. After all, we’re the MOMMIES, the ones who are supposed to know by instinct and clairvoyance that our children are suffering, struggling or hurt.
In truth, it is because we are mommies that we tend to overlook the more objective analysis and rationalize the problems away. They have been absent from school, the teacher is unreasonable, he’s just daydreaming, we’ve had family upheavals, etc. etc. ad infinitum. Because if our child had something like ADHD we’d have seen it already and done something about it, right? We’re mommies, that’s our job!
As Jenn has discovered, it doesn’t really work like that. But feeling guilty and hammering yourself for missing the signs is unproductive and doesn’t move the ball to the next hash mark. Here’s my suggestion for a cure for the mommy guilt:
- Take the time to learn everything you can about ADHD. ADHD, particularly inattentive ADHD, is manageable. Not only is it manageable, it has some real benefits. My guess is that your son is a creative guy who has many gifts stored up inside that inattentive mind of his. Read lots of books, be creative in your approach. There are many good ones out there. If you haven’t already, consider adding Daniel Amen’s “Healing ADHD” to your bookshelf. It is one of the best books I’ve found that discusses the high-level overview of ADHD and various management methods.
- Consider making this school year a “do-over” for your son. Sit down with him and work out a strategy. Let him be part of the decision-making process by laying out alternatives. If he is on the younger side of his grade curve, consider the possibility of having him repeat this year after you have worked out management techniques for the ADHD. I don’t know if you’re opting for meds, but if not, there are many great ways to manage ADHD behaviorally in the inattentive types where you’re not dealing with the verbal or physical hyperactivity.
If he doesn’t want to repeat this school year, find a strategy for him to get ahead of the learning curve over the summer through online or computer learning strategies.
- Talk to him about ADHD, what it really is, what it really means and reassure him that you are committed to his success because of and in spite of it. Let him know that it’s not just a “ritalin thing” and that he has to be part of the plan to get hold of it and leverage the benefits of ADHD to his best benefit. You are the coach; he is the player. Cheer him on, tell him every day that he’s got all the tools to be a stellar student and whatever else he wants to be, ADHD or not.
I’m not sure of his age. If he’s young, try the Joey Pigza books. Sticks read them when he was 10 or so and thought they were hysterical, but said they were easy and he could’ve read them when he was 8 without a problem. They really ARE hysterical books. I laughed my way through two of them. If he’s older, maybe the 7 Habits of Successful Teens might be the way to go.
- Leverage computer skills. Negotiate with teachers to allow your son to do as much of his homework and other work on the computer as possible, particularly project-related work. Use the computer for educational games, math problems, homework help and get him to see it as a place for him to leverage the Internet as a learning resource. This has been a HUGE help with both of my kids, ADHD and not.
- Find his passion and nurture it. Whatever it is, no matter how annoying or bizarre. My genius-cousin is just 18, has ADHD, and was failing high school because he was passionate about birding to the exclusion of all else. He is now in one of the Bill Gates charter schools where they structure their education around their passion and it’s made a world of difference. He will graduate this June, and was chosen for one of the very exclusive Cornell university expeditions in Oklahoma to find the Ivory-Billed Woodpecker. His education path has not been traditional, is often frustrating, and definitely different. On the other hand, he is well on his way to becoming one of this country’s most outstanding birders and I fully expect him to do wonderful things for our environment and planet.
So too, with Sticks, my passionate drummer. If you think I’d have chosen to have drums all over the house and constant tap-tap-banging whenever he’s home, think again. But it’s the passion for his drumming that keeps him working and pushing himself academically, because he wants to get that acceptance to Indiana University next year in the worst way, so that he can study jazz with the greats.
Our kids have a passion. Each and every one. Once you find it, you can nurture and encourage it.
- The most important step of all is to leave the past in the past. You can’t do anything about not seeing or noticing sooner. It happens. What’s important is that you’re tuned in now and committed to being a partner in his success. (PARTNER is a key word there). Being guilty about the past just means less energy for the future, so let yourself have a “do-over” here too, and just move ahead to a future of success and joy for you and your entire family.
Having said all of this, there isn’t magic or voodoo that anyone can perform to cure that naggling, niggling guilt. You just have to make a choice. Write it down, print it, burn it, and look ahead to the next challenge.
I hope that I’ll read future posts from Jenn about the strides they’re making to work through the school issues. I’ll be right there, cheering from the sidelines.
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