Liz had a good post awhile back that has been resonating with me heavily this week called Affluenza. she writes:
I’ve had the feeling for years that parenting among the well-to-do is unhealthy–too much focus on coddling and packaging kids, not enough human connection, not enough failure.
Our little high school band has recently become afflicted with a bad case of affluenza, and Sticks will become their first casualty, but their children will be the ultimate victims.
For the past three years, our drummers have made a mighty name for themselves on the winter drumline circuit. This is because: a) there are some incredibly talented kids; and b) those talented kids push themselves hard to work toward the goal. Traditionally, our winter drumline is comprised of the top musicians in the program, regardless of their primary instrument. Making the line is an honor and a privilege, but it also means a huge commitment from December through the end of April.
For the past couple of years the number of eligible students has dropped because of grades, outside commitments, or ability. This is true of another school in our district as well. Unfortunately, that school cannot field a winter drumline at all, because they only have 7 students qualified and motivated. We have 14 who are qualified and motivated.
Enter the carriers of this particular brand of Affluenza. These are parents of freshmen who don’t quite understand why we can’t allow any student onto the line, regardless of ability. These are the parents of freshmen who haven’t really seen the kind of work that goes into a successful season. These are also the parents of freshmen who were major contributors during the marching band season.
When the proposal was made for our group of 14 to unite with the sister school’s group of 7 to make 21 musicians and 7 dancers, I thought it was an awesome idea. The best musicians joined from both schools to make one awesome line doing a show that was tailor-made for a high-energy motivated group of kids.
Of course, this meant that some of the students who were in the marching band drumline (the ones that Sticks worked hard with during marching season) would not be on the “battery”, or were moved down from snare or tenor to bass drums. This is the normal way things happen in the winterline — everything is re-ordered to allow for a much higher level of competition and skill, not only in marching but also in musicianship.
Some of our infected parents are outraged. Samples of their outraged emails (paraphrased) are as follows:
“This sends a terrible message to our kids, to WIN at all costs, that you’re not good enough, competitive enough.” “By combining schools, the comraderie is lost.” “This will destroy school spirit.” “Our drummers won’t have a chance to practice and get better.”
Keep in mind, NO student was rejected. They were simply reassigned. Not quite as high on the totem pole, because there were better musicians available to fill the slot they filled before. Everyone had a place; it was just different.
And last week it all came to a head in a meeting where I was asked, point-blank, how Sticks would feel about participating in a line that wasn’t competitive but inclusive of all of these still-learning kids while excluding the quite talented group at the other school. I answered honestly — that Sticks wanted to win; he wanted to be competitive, that this was his final opportunity to do it and with time as precious as it was for him he was disinclined to invest it in a less-than-competitive endeavor. This response caused one parent to make a dramatic exit, declaring as she walked out of the meeting that she had “all the answers she needed” and understood “where our values were”. Later she withdrew her son from the program because the values were not ones she wished her child to emulate or be exposed to.
This is what he told me before I was asked. I happen to agree with him. I disagree with the “Affluenza-carriers” who believe in handing trophies to kids for participating without any work behind it, who cannot stand to see their children have to WORK to attain their goals, who cannot abide a competitive environment.
What on earth will these kids do when they’re in the real world? Or not just the real world, but simply the world of filling out college applications and coming to some kind of understanding that they are not going to ALWAYS GET IT because they were mediocre. Isn’t there a place to expect excellence and work for something?
I don’t really know where these kids stand grade-wise, but my guess is that they’re at least middle of the road solid “B” students. Maybe better than that…I don’t really know. But what I DO know is that by their parents’ intervention and exclusive attitudes, the kids lose the opportunity to reach across divides and reach into themselves, to find what they’re made of and what they really want.
The bottom line for us is that they decided to squeak their wheels up the administrative ladder and it is unlikely that the district will support any kind of joint endeavor with the other school, meaning that Sticks’ opportunities to compete in his final year of winterline are gone. I’m sure they will field a nice mediocre drumline with no instructors (our instructors required a minimum of 30 to take it on for this year) and no custom-written show, and they will congratulate themselves on preserving school spirit and inclusion.
I just hope they don’t expect to have their kids nominated for honor bands or anything else of the sort, because that would be hypocritical, just as it is hypocritical for the district to exclude this joint effort and continue to support intra-district honor bands.
Sticks will have other opportunities for glory, but they won’t be for the school that he attends, unfortunately. These kids, however, are the real victims, because they have been saved from the opportunity to discover what they’re really made of.
Affluenza. The perfect term for a deadly virus.
Technorati Tags: affluenza, helicopter parents, poor parenting
