IB (A Math Teacher), posted a real email from the parents of a student who is having difficulty adjusting to the rigors of high school in general and science in particular.
You can read the whole thing at the link I posted, but I was taken by how co-dependent these parents are with their son. A couple of examples:
We feel Johnny needs similar modifications to be successful in his current setting. With all of his absences this year, it often feels like he is ‘teaching himself’ all of his subjects, or learning from us/kind of independent study for a kid who really doesn’t do well with that style of learning anyway…
Now contrast that with this (in the same letter!!!)
While it may seem like bad timing, he will be missing 3 days of school: 2/14, 2/15, and 2/20; we are taking a (much needed) family vacation. Any assistance you can give to Johnny in addressing missed work/planning ahead/etc., is so appreciated.
This letter leads off with a series of excuses (read implied blame toward the schools — past, present and future) for why Johnny isn’t doing very well, including being in a group larger than 39 children, illness, and of course, undiagnosed ADHD, not to mention family vacations scheduled in the middle of the school semester.
Johnny may have ADHD, and then again, maybe he doesn’t. Based on this letter and one previously posted, it seems pretty clear to me that this kid has a situation with his parents; namely, they don’t hold him accountable for anything. Here’s an excerpt from the previous letter:
We firmly believe Johnny has a learning disability in reading…we, along with his grade/middle school, have been casually supporting him for years by doing various things like seeing a movie for any book he has to read (he is a visual learner), by reading out loud to him, by taping the textbook and letting him listen to it as he reads it to himself, etc….all suggestions from various teachers over the years. Now, though, in high school, we aren’t able to ‘casually negotiate’ these modifications, and need to have the school identify/recognize/modify so Johnny can be successful.
If I were allowed to offer these parents some unsolicited and likely unwelcome advice, here’s what I’d say:
Dear Mom, Dad and Johnny,
For your sake as well as your son’s, I hope it’s not too late, but I’m afraid it is. After reading your two letters requesting accommodations from teachers at Johnny’s school and offering a series of ‘reasons’ for Johnny’s current academic failures, I have some suggestions.
First, let’s talk about Johnny’s physical health and well-being. You state in your letters that in the past six months Johnny has been hospitalized with a concussion, mono, meningitis, migraines, asthma and allergies. I respectfully suggest that for the next six months you limit Johnny’s outside activities to a bare minimum in order to give him a chance to recover his strength, including those activities (sports?) which caused his two concussions. Please work with your allergist and internist to bring his migraines and allergies under control. There are some wonderful medications available to assist with allergy control and migraine prevention. You should also possibly consider working with a nutritionist to adjust Johnny’s diet for possible migraine triggers, including the elimination of chocolate, caffeine and other possible culprits.
Next, let’s talk about Johnny’s school environment. Whatever Johnny’s former school was, he is now in high school and from high school will be entering the workforce, learning a trade, or possibly going to a community college. Johnny has moved far past being in a small group of 39 where every difficulty was smoothed over for him. It is time for you, as parents, to also move past what was and deal realistically with what IS. Make no mistake: Johnny’s survival in the future will depend upon how you, as parents, help him prepare to live, work and function in the real world.
Johnny may have been diagnosed with ADHD, but the diagnosis alone will not change anything. Medications won’t change anything. Medications are not a miracle cure for a lack of discipline and work ethic. Therefore, if you do not change how you interact with Johnny, the ADHD diagnosis will simply become another excuse for poor performance instead of a starting point for change. Why? Because you have taken your bag of excuses for your son and pinned a label called ADHD on them. You even say so in your note, when you say “It is helpful to have a ‘name’ for some of these concerns.”
With due respect, Mr and Mrs Johnny’s Parents, putting a name on a bag full of failure is an exercise in futility. It doesn’t even begin to address the dynamic which is apparent in your household; namely, the low bar of expectation and accountability you set for Johnny. If you want him to succeed, you need to start expecting success from him. You need to turn your attention from what he HAD to what he CAN BE. Here are some step-by-step suggestions for how to best help Johnny succeed, ADHD or no ADHD, reading disability or no reading disability.
- Have Johnny tested thoroughly for reading and/or learning disabilities by a qualified tester, and then develop a plan for overcoming, NOT ACCOMMODATING, them.
- Require that Johnny spend the same number of hours per day either studying on his own or with a tutor on days where he misses school. No exceptions. Right now, you make it attractive for him to miss school by coddling and cooing over poor Johnny’s health. And when Johnny doesn’t go to school, he’s not expected to put the time in to stay current on his assignments. (How do I know this? I can tell from the fact that you’re using his illnesses and absences as an excuse for his performance)
- Hire a tutor or send him to one of the numerous tutoring services that have sprung up. Maintain a commitment to the schedule set by the tutor.
- Turn off the video games and TV for everyone and move the computer to the family room if he has unrestricted access. Restrict his time on the computer/TV/video games to a thin and firm limit until he has demonstrated his ability to assume responsibility for his homework and school obligations.
- Let go. Let Johnny suffer Johnny’s consequences at school and then reinforce them at home. Conversely, celebrate successes and reward those. Under no circumstances should you ask teachers for grade considerations or other assistance. If you think an IEP is useful, then pursue that, BUT, do it with an eye to empowering JOHNNY with the tools to take charge of his life and education, to suffer the consequences and to revel in the successes.
Right now it’s clear that you don’t expect much of Johnny, choosing instead to place your high expectations on the teachers and special ed teachers to smooth his way. I think you’re doing that to excuse yourself from your own responsiblity to hold Johnny accountable. Parents, the days of “learning the easy way” are behind you. Now it’s time for you to do the hard work, too.
If you choose to continue your enabling behavior, consider the consequences. What will you do when he writes checks for more than he has in his checking account as an adult? Will you cover them? What if he decides a job is ‘too hard’ and he ‘sees no point in being at work’ because he’s not ‘connected’ to his co-workers? Will you feed, house, and shelter him? What if he’s married with kids? Will you feed, house, and shelter them, too?
Stop making ADHD the magic bullet and excuse. Look at what you are doing when you write these letters, when you ask for exceptions for Johnny. Every time you do that, you are sending a message to Johnny: Son, we don’t believe that you can succeed on the same terms as your peers. Give it up now. Is that a message you really want to send to your son? Would you say that to his face?
I’m not a model parent. Much of what I’ve written here has been learned by my own mistakes and experience. I understand that as parents, it’s instinctive to want to smoothe the way for our children and create success for them. But we can’t. What we can do is teach them how to succeed through discipline, hard work, OVERCOMING, and sometimes disappointment and consequences. No matter how we try, the’re going to make their own mistakes and they’re going to have to find ways to remedy them without our intervention. Please don’t use ADHD as a way to excuse Johnny, but find ways to creatively overcome and use it to his advantage. Don’t invite him to fail yet again.
Technorati Tags: ADHD, education, teaching, parenting, enabling, co-dependence
