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Dear Eldest

by Karoli on January 14, 2009

Back in the days when you were little and you got hurt because of a bad choice you made, I would pick you up, dust you off, and dry the tears with the admonition that you’d know not to do it next time. Usually, you did know not to do it.

When you were 16 and came home roaring drunk, I dumped all the alcohol in the house, waited for you to sleep it off and let you have it with both barrels. As far as I knew, that stuck, at least until we had to appear (twice) on marijuana charges.

When you left for the Army, that incident was far from my mind. But when you were hauled up by your superiors for reporting while under the influence (even though you swear you weren’t), it rushed back to me. Still, I believed you.

When you were going to school and lost a job you loved because you passed out after hours, it rushed back again. But, I said to myself, he is an adult and will have to deal with the consequences.

When you tried rebuilding by signing on with the company from hell and landed in a pile of debt, I was willing to help you get back on your feet, but the rules were this: You can live here, but you can’t drink. Or, you can drink and not live here. You chose option one, but I’ve known for some time that you haven’t been living up to your side of the bargain. I just couldn’t prove it.

This morning, you proved me right. I would have preferred to have been wrong. But I’m not, and not only did you prove me right, you scared the hell out of me with the quantities you put away. My first concern was alcohol poisoning, an insidious killer of young people.

Now, you have an opportunity. You have a lovely girlfriend, a job you’ve kept for well over a year and are moving up. It’s up to you. You can either toss it, or you can take it.

Taking it means that you leave this house and find your own way. Taking it means getting help, admitting the problem, beginning the long and difficult process of self-discovery and behavior modification necessary. Taking it means standing up and taking responsibility for yourself and your decisions. Taking it is something I cannot help you with. It is out of the scope of my ability and life experience.

As much as it hurts me to say this, I cannot dust you off and make it right. Allowing this to pass without consequence would be the very worst thing I could possibly do for you and to you. I love your girlfriend and you enough to say that you need to own your life and your recovery. Whether you do or not will be up to you.

When you leave here, know that my love goes with you always. That I am your mother and you are my son, and nothing will ever change that. You are my firstborn, child of my heart, the kid with the big smile that still lights up a room. The actor, the defender, the incredibly smart and talented person that I see when I look at you. Nothing will change that. It is because I love you that I am doing this, and it hurts with every word I say, every bone in my body. No parent wants to see their son or daughter in pain, whether they are 3, 30 or 50. Yet, pain is the only pathway to a life of constructive living instead of the self-destructive bent you’ve been on.

I know this. I hope you do, too. Or at least, come to know it. Until you can admit that you can’t do this by yourself, that you must seek help (Alcoholics Anonymous, perhaps?), until you stop seeing yourself as a victim and start learning to be a victor, you will not beat this back. So I’m begging you as your mom, as one who loves you more than herself, please do it today. Leave the house, get help, begin to own your life. In any event, you will leave the house by the end of the month. Sooner if possible, but no later. It will be the beginning of your new beginning.

I will celebrate your recovery more than I celebrated the day you were born if you choose to take that path.

So will you.

With all my love,

Mom

PS I accept my part in letting it get this far. Reading back through the history, it’s obvious I chose to look the other way when I should have stared straight into the headlights early on. If you are a parent and read this, please don’t make my mistake.

Tagged as: AA, alcohol, alcohol poisoning, alcoholism, co-dependence, painful parenting

  • Karoli, you are a brave mother. I hope that your son has learned bravery from you. Hugs to both of you.
  • Take it from someone who was a teenage alcoholic, we continue because we can & never question that we can while we are; alcoholism mixed w/the audacity of youth creates an even stronger sense of being indestructible (not to mention uniquely justified). Even if you could help him stop, no matter how long it lasted, it would NOT be lasting for true change is impossible til sought by the one changing. Right you are that consequences are key — for me, it was not graduating that slowed me down long enough to disprove the need to drink (as much) to function. By the grace of God, that then led to my one & only bad (to me) experience w/drinking which opened the door to doubt — just enough to accept a challenge much like the one you're now giving your son.

    I desperately love the line, "pain is the only pathway to a life of constructive living instead of the self-destructive bent you’ve been on." One of the bonuses but difficulties of being the kind of mom you (& mine) are is that ability to see your children as we could be, not necessarily as we are. You've seen the proof on my blog that my mom & I have been restored to each other; she's also the reason I wasn't even more self-destructive. Trust me, you've already made a difference. However, he's the only one that can fertilize the seed you've planted & fed. My mum & I do celebrate my recovery as another birthday — I began my new life 11 August 1986 & was damn excited the year, not too long ago, that I'd lived as long since as before.

    Here's a poem I wrote on my 22nd REbirthday: Rebirth

    (|_|*to new beginnings*|_|)
    "Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does." ~ William James

    PS: I'm not only Momma's eldest but it was 'her & I against the world' at the beginning. Take heart. Consider yourself hugged..
  • Thank you so much for sharing your story and your poem. It inspires more than you possibly know. :) Today is a new day, let's hope and pray he sees it so.
  • ursulas
    Lump in my throat.

    Karoli, I cannot think of the right words right now.

    So, I continue to keep you and your family in my thoughts.

    {{{{HUGE HUG}}}}
  • {{{HUG BACK}}} Your own story was part of what helped me gather the resolve to do this. Now we hope for a positive outcome...
  • ursulas
    Here's to the outcome! It will work out! I believe he has a great mom. Just remember to be good to yourself in the process.
  • WebPixie
    Karoli, I regret not seeing this post until now. What a day you must've had! I realize it's no consolation to hear that your experience this morning has been shared by almost every family or friend in this nation (if not the world). I know I will never understand why it happens. All I know is that it does and that trying to understand why is really no help to the innocent family member (you) or the person playing the role of victim (your eldest).

    I'm not so sure that you're being fair to yourself to say that you made a choice to look the other way. Sometimes trained, objective professionals can be fooled. How could someone with the emotional ties a mother has be expected to be so detached as to make that sort of deliberate choice! You can't.

    It's great that he has a loving girlfriend ...maybe. I hope she has the number for the local VA. If there's one area where the VA has a long history of knowledge and experience, it's understanding the complexities of a former soldier's relationship with alcohol and how it affects their loved ones. While the VA may not be adequately funded to have enough staff to meet this mission for every Vet (thank you Mr. Rumsfeld), there are many organizations of Veterans who volunteer to fill that gap.

    Richard and I have both seen how they work their magic. It's subtle, very subtle, and all it takes is a phone call - but let her make the call if he doesn't. You've already laid a solid foundation for him. His fellow Vets can help him build a good, strong floor. Please, do call me if there's anything I can do to help.
  • WebPixie, thank you for those thoughts. They're very helpful. Our 'local' VA is many miles from here, but I have also suggested it as a resource, along with AA. He wlll now have to make his decision.

    What I hope: That he doesn't sink into 'victim mode' but hears what I said with the spirit it was intended. We'll see...all of the support from you guys has been a huge encouragement to me. I know I did the right thing. It was hard, but it was right.
  • WebPixie
    Most "local" VA's are HUNDREDS of miles away. My comment was certainly not intended to suggest the VA as any kind of medical resource for someone in "victim mode," as you describe it. That's not how it works.

    The typical distance of most VA resources from the Vet is why I suggested having their PHONE NUMBER handy. That suggestion is really intended more as a resource for his girlfriend, if he chooses to live with her after the end of the month. It's not for the VA to provide "treatment."

    Vets like to do what they can for other Vets, so the VA usually can cooridinate spouse's, girlfriends's, or boyfriend's of a Vet to those other Vets. As I said, it's very subtle and a person almost has to be a Vet to understand how it all works, which I am not.

    From the actions described in your blog post, what you DID certainly IS the right thing. The rest is up to him and him alone.
  • Karoli, I love you. I can feel the pain in your post. And we can always blame ourselves for what we do as parents, but we have to remember that we did our best. No one wants to believe her eldest child is an alcoholic. But he will come around as my foster son did, under worse circumstances, because you laid the groundwork.
  • Thanks, Francine...I love you too. :) And I'm going to count on your prediction. It's certainly what I hope for as an outcome.
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